It’s been a long time since my last rant but I know you love’em, so here’s a freebie that I’m sure you’ll enjoy. How effing freakish is Sonic the Hedgehog? When I was younger, I owned (and I still own) a Sega Mega Drive II (Genesis II for the odd Yank reading this) with all the Sonic games, including Sonic & Knuckles on which you could stack other cartridges to unlock new games. At the time, the blue mascot was seen as a serious competitor to Super Mario – in hindsight it is laughable – and I have to admit that I was a real fan. Now I can see how it was all a scam.

First of all, hedgehogs are not blue and they certainly don’t wear shoes. I’ll put that on the account of artistic licence, but it’s unrealistic. At least, he wears red shoes and that’s what counts (remember?) although I’ve never seen running shoes with buckles rather than laces (that too is ridiculously unrealistic).

Secondly, in real life hedgehogs are ludicrously shy. I recently had to feed my neighbour’s pet hedgehog for 2 weeks so I have prime experience with that. As soon as I approached it, it shivered like crazy! Now you’re telling me this little guy can run through the world and kill robots without being terrified? I don’t buy it for a second.

Then there’s the question of the running specialty. Sonic can sprint for pretty much the whole game without a drop of sweat. Seriously? Either you’re a sprinter or you’re a long distance runner, well you could also be a mid-distance runner, but you certainly cannot sprint for several hours straight! I know that elite marathoners run 42.195 km at a faster pace than I sprint on 100m. But neither Usain Bolt nor Dennis Kimetto could run this distance at 1:40 minutes per km!

You’ll argue that Sonic has super powers and that he cheats with springs and other ingenious pieces of apparatus, but I find this dubious at best. No ones actually goes faster with Kangoo Jumps than with real shoes, they are just another risible fad of the 90s. And I don’t believe anyone can claim that spring-loaded shoes like the Enko or the Adidas Springblade can double your speed, that would be preposterous.

Nonetheless, despite all the bad-mouthing I just gave him, Sonic will always remain the best in my heart. How could it be any other way when you listen to the awesome music composed by Masato Nakamura?